Gym Closure

Remember the "no hugs by the squat rack" guy from my September 11 post? Well I was at the gym this morning and saw my hockey friend again. Turns out he's a trainer there. Today, he wore a Detroit Red Wings jersey to work. And his trainee? A man in a t-shirt that celebrates the Mighty Ducks Stanley Cup win. They were laughing and squatting. Smiling and curling. It was kind of nice to see that there's someone for everyone.

We made eye contact, the trainer and I. I didn't get the sense that he remembered me, which is probably best. I bet the Stanley Cup guy's real nice.

Give it a rest!

Bat Boy...again.

He really did the slow walk-around!

When I get old, I will not be the cantankerous man who insists that he was ahead of you in the ATM line. I will use words to respond to your protests, instead of walking around your body like a cloud casting a shadow on you. I will button up my shirt. I will wear a belt. I will do my best to speak to you in a language that you understand, rather than what is probably some Armenian thing. I will look you in the eye, instead of in your most vulnerable-to-punching points. And when I get to the ATM, I will not laugh at how weak you are to not have stepped to me. I will understand how to deposit checks. I will not carry my money and important information in a loose stack in my front pocket.

Most importantly, I will hide my PIN number from the people I cut in front of (1-9-5-8).

Reunited at last

When I was growing up, I went to the same "hair stylist," who I guess I can now blame for making me look like the unsexy Kramer instead of the sexy Kirk Cameron. I'll be attending my 10-year high school reunion this weekend. Here are some of the other changes that my former classmates will hopefully notice on Saturday:

- I stopped wearing those Nike high-tops with the laces out.
- I've tongue kissed a girl
- I don't only wear Levi's Silvertab jeans anymore
- I'm 35 pounds heavier
- I'm over Quentin Tarantino
- I have less energy
- My parents don't make my lunch anymore--my wife does
- No more unibrow

Here are some of the things that have stayed the same:

- I still wear Hugo cologne
- My mom still buys me underwear, socks, and floss for presents
- Now, instead of the unibrow, I have this strange hair that tries to connect my eyebrows to my sideburns.

Recently, with Marc and Zach

This is a new show Marc Horowitz and I are doing, LIVE every Wednesday at 5pm PST. Check it.

Recently, with Marc & Zach

What a great moment

Have you ever been incredibly parched, so you chug your fast-food restaurant fountain drink through a straw. Then you run out of soda and you can't get refills and you don't have money for a second cup. But THEN you give the straw a push and realize that it wasn't at the very bottom, so you have MORE Coke than you thought?

Those are the lunches to remember.

Y'know, the straw thing could also be an allegory for sub-prime mortgage holders. Maybe I shouldn't have finished my drink...

My coffee shop

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but since I moved to Los Angeles I've been a frequent customer at Psychobabble in Los Feliz. The barista is friendly enough to me, and through a couple years of accidental lies, he thinks I am a world-class writer with a home in New York City.

Today I discovered that they keep The Onion under all the utensils. I pulled one out and chuckled at it while my barista friend made my large, non-fat iced chai. Then he saw what I was reading and scowled at me. "Do you like that stuff?"

He said stuff. I tried to be non-committal, since this guy can be pretty mean. "Well, it's hit or miss."

"It's terrible."

"Oh."

"You really like it? You think it's good?"

"Yeah, I mean. I guess so."

"Wow. I guess I never heard a professional talk about it. Maybe I'll give it a second try."

Wait'll he hears what I have to say about Arby's.