Dummy

So, this story is predicated by two things:

1) My wife sometimes thinks that I'm much smarter than she is.
2) The night before I was to cook the enchiladas she prepared, she warned me to take off the silicon top to the pan before sticking it in the oven.

And so... (I'll post a picture when I get home)

Two new Makin' Lemoades

Article on Makin' Lemonade

NewTeeVee.com

New web series!

Starring the not-Chris Elliott, Chris Schneider. Written by me and Ben Bleichman.



Go to MakinLemonade.blip.tv to watch all 4!

Poison control

I nearly killed someone today. My friend did some window shopping at my herb garden, curious about some of the more exotic things I planted. Turns out pennyroyal, from the mint genus, is deadly poisonous. That wasn't clear until after he sampled a leaf. My friend remembered how he'd heard of the herb--as a medieval potion used for abortions.

We initially went to household remedies: all beer related. My friend's tongue went numb and he started shaking. Wikipedia told me how toxic this plant really is, but I for some reason was not telling him the truth. My frame of mind was to not get his heart rate up, and also to not ruin my buzz.

The call to California Poison Control went like this:

ME: Yeah, my friend just ate a leaf from a pennyroyal plant...
PC: Well, why did he do that?
ME: He didn't know it was poisonous.
PC: Yeah, it's poisonous. Deadly poisonous.
ME: Should we take him to a hospital?!
PC: Ah, lemme check.

We held for seventy-one seconds. It sounded like this guy took this call from his cabin in the Sierras.

PC: Well, if he just ate a leaf, he should be alright. It takes about 100 grams to kill an adult. He may have some bowel trouble for the next couple weeks though.

So far, he's wolfed down a Subway footlong and everything, for the time, seems to be all right.

And I'm getting rid of that awful, useless fucking plant.

Part it down the side

Got my haircut today, and those of you who are old friends of the blog know that I often have horrible experiences with that. You'll be happy to know that I've corrected my behavior. No more Supercuts. I only get trims from people who have facial piercings--the best of the best.

This guy took a long time with my hair. After 25 minutes, he stepped back and said "There. Now your hairline makes sense."

I replied, "Hey, this shop cut it last time." I remembered multiple occasions when I'd have to get corrective surgery on my head after getting a cut from...a deaf man with cataracts.

"Yeah, it's just really confusing up here. You see," He pulled back my hair. "See, you're starting to thin on this side, but not on this side. But I just made this side longer so it evens out."

Translation: I am balding in the worst possible way. I am balding from right to left.

Maybe back to front would be worse.

Crappy Hour

Sorry I've been so delinquent. More uncomfortable positions to come. Here's something I wrote. Sorry about the audio.