Something I'll never get to do

I'll never get in a fist fight. That's really a shame. I just don't think I qualify anymore:

- I'm not a teenager
- I don't go to football games
- I don't live on anyone's "turf"
- I'm not a Wild West gambler
- I don't have a goatee
- No one I know plays Double Dragon
- It's been so long since I've seen The Matrix that I've lost the desire to learn a martial art
- I prefer assaulting people with snide remarks and limited eye contact

There were a couple of times in high school where friends of mine got in a scuffle. One of my best friends actually carried a roll of quarters in his pocket JUST IN CASE. I never wanted to fight at the time, but now I just want to know what it feels like to clock someone in the noggin. I don't want to hurt them, just punch them as hard as I can. This must be what Presidents feel like. "I don't want to kill anyone, I just want to see what a 100-megaton thermonuclear blast does to a hemisphere."

Yet, a fight club scares the shit out of me. I am very attached to my teeth.