Wednesday, September 24, 2008

My children will be deviants

I was thinking about Alan Thicke, wondering if I'll be as good a father. But not a fictional one. A real-life daddy. No, we're not pregnant, but it's never to early to get distressed about your future. I'm just considering if I'll have the patience, the authority, and the camaraderie for my children the way Alan Thicke had for his kids Ben Seaver, Carol Seaver, and Kirk Cameron. Yeah, I know I'm being silly with my comparison. The point is that I was wondering if my kids will think I'm cool. And my immediate answer is "fuck ya."

Here's why: I'm empathetic. I'll preface this by saying that when I was a kid I didn't drink, do drugs, smoke, have sex, pillage, etc... I embraced my title as A/V Technician so whole-heartedly that I wore RCA cables like Rambo wears a sweatband. That pretty much excluded me from the high school, cigarettes-and-booze parties. The worst thing I ever did was race my '89 Beretta around Tacoma's tide flats. Or is that the best thing I ever did? Anyway, I wasn't a kid who got into the dangerous stuff, but if my kids do I'LL UNDERSTAND. I might even be happy about it.

I'm not so concerned with the smarts or looks of my kids. K will tell you that I actually HOPE my kids are ugly. (It'll build character.) All I want is for them to make good choices and to be confident. I think the worst thing to accumulate in life is a barrel of regrets, so what looks like a bad choice on the surface could be GREAT choices in the long run. For example, some parents would discourage their children from drinking or smoking, but if it's going to make my kid fit in--especially if he or she is ugly--I say go for it. Sex on homecoming night? If they're safe about it and have considered the consequences, sure!

I realize that asking teenagers to consider the future impact of all their choices is like asking Shamu to make me turkey pot pie. If I'm letting my kids smoke pot, they've gotta give me something in return.

(DISCLAIMER: The majorly-felonious/self-destruction/heroin/huffing caveat is in effect. I can't see how any of these would ever turn into great choices.)

What if my future kids find this post somewhere in the annals of Google's fusion-powered data banks, then use it against me? This will be their excuse to get reckless on some futuristic drug. I can only assume it's some hybrid of angel dust and Red Bull.

Uh oh. Now I'm considering retracting everything. Yes, yes, I've already considered what all you actual parents are saying. "You won't know how cool you'll be until you actually meet your daughter's boyfriend." But what kind of trouble is really, legitimately out there? Like, I know that blow jobs are popular (were they ever not in style?), and that kids are smoking pot, lookin' at Internet porn, being gay, stealing software, etc... I'm totally prepared for all of that. Because how much more extreme can kids go? BJ's and pot? Seriously. Even with my daughter and her burly, high-school boyfriend...

...oh my God, what if he looks like me?!

I'm considering the retraction because what IF things get more extreme? They certainly did for my parents. What's more extreme for a teenager than oral? Orgies? Oh God...incest?! Gay incest?! Don't say that can't happen because I'm sure there was a time in Roman and Greek societies when that was so couture and don't tell me that America isn't the next Roman Empire. And I can't even consider the future of the internet and the bounty of illicit activities that'll bring. Virtual murders? CYBER orgies? Holodecks? I'm not prepared for that. Don't tell me I'm blowing this out of proportion. I've seen Virtuosity.

Now I'm totally unsure. Pre-parenting is so hard. Now I see. It wasn't Kirk Cameron. It wasn't the kid who played Ben. It was Alan Thicke. Alan Thicke had the "Growing Pains." It was him all along. It was Alan.


This post was difficult to write because as I was composing it, a small man with a big hat was chanting to some birds in a nearby tree. It was at least a ten-minute session. Is he the bird whisperer? I smell buddy picture (again)!

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