Tuesday, January 27, 2009

New video!

Here's something I wrote and directed, with Josh Silfen as DP and Heather Lynn Morris as the superstar.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Where it hurts

The first two (professional?) massages I've ever had were from women who were clearly nervous about doing it. The first told me that I had to keep this massage a secret because her boyfriend doesn't like it when she works on men (this was at a spa in Niagara Falls). On my second try, I spouted off a bunch of muscle aches I was having, to which she replied something in a Northern European language. But I decided to give it one more go today, since for the past week I've been OD'ing on muscle rub due to an overworked rhomboid (not the parallelogram.)

It was great. Strong hands. Lotsa conversing in English. Good job, Tamar.

Something was unleashed, though. On my drive home, struggling to find a radio station now that Indie 103.1 is gone, I turned to some goofy lunchtime show on a rock channel. And I could not stop LAUGHING at their inane banter. I mean "a-heul, a-heul-heul," Goofy-type laughing. Driver-next-to-me-watching laughter. It was a half-hour drive.

Also, I think the massage broke my kidney. Which is funny because it is ironic.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Posse on Broadway

No one outside of Seattle knows this song, right? Are there any other songs that represented a town, but never made it OUT of that town?

Am I wrong, Seattle natives? You know every word, right?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Just a little off the middle

Lately, K and I have been discussing how we both think we're actually fairly stingy. We only buy on sale days. I don't mind drinking sour milk. K still uses her backpack from kindergarten. And I hate spending more than $15 on a haircut. That's burned me many times before, like when I didn't realize a barber had severe cataracts until after he gave me a reverse mohawk.

Today I went to Supercuts. It's right across the street from a nicer, but more expensive barbershop, so I actually can debate the cost/benefits right until the end. Sometimes I splurge. Sometimes I save. The cars behind me don't like that.

This morning's winning argument in favor of Supercuts was that what I'm really paying extra for at the other guy's is the intelligibility of the small talk. To me, that's like choosing an airline based on the quality of their food. I'd rather have the barber shut up so I can sulk at my multiplying chins. I couldn't do that today, though. This time, I was distracted by my Supercut barber's outfit: a knee-length, black t-shirt with the words "Special Sale $10!" This isn't particularly funny put into the context (which I discovered later in the haircut, after I had a quiet chuckle between myself and myself in the mirror) of a hair salon trying to sell eyebrow and and lip waxing at a discount. Signs advertising this were all over the shop.

Which brings me to my uncomfortable position. Let's face it: I've got big eyebrows. I know it, my friends know it, and this pushy female barber wanted to make $10 off of them. After my haircut, she implored that I add an additional service.

"Vould you like a champoo? Or..."
"No, I'm fine. The cut looks fine."
"Ve also have other serbices, you know."
"Oh, no, just the haircut."
"Vell, we're having zis sale all month."

I don't think I can go back there now. And that's probably better for all of us.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Nose business

A couple of days ago I discovered that I can put a cotton swab all the way into my nose.

I think it's important to note that I wasn't just rooting around my orifices for a new party trick. I read about the secret nose hiding spot, THEN did my own experimenting. See, I think that makes me less weird. It's not like I was just searching for a place to put my q-tip.

I was super impressed with myself, even if K only huffed after I told her about my new trick. Five years ago, I started to wear corduroys. Last year, I ate sushi. Now, I can stick virtually any 4 1/2 inch-long, non-barbed object into my nasal cavity. I walk intrepidly into the future.

Friday, January 9, 2009

I need to Twitter these things

Picture a street fight between two people where BOTH of them have tazers. Just a lot of short kicking and short poking. Hilarious.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Soft Sell

A man came to the door trying to sell me magazines. He asked if I was the "king of the castle." I said "No, this house has more of a queen and a prince."

It occurs to me now that that isn't quite what I meant.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The classics

Today, I'm getting inspiration from "A Treasury of College Humor" (1950). Reading this book has solicited all sorts of leers from the writer folk at Psychobabble cafe. I feel like the kid in the lunch room who got a Hostess Cupcake in his lunchbox.

From Robert Benchley's "Traffic Regulations for Air-Lanes" (1912, abridged)

Examination for Urban Pilot's License

This examination is to be taken while still on the ground.

  • Are you quite sure that you really want to fly? Remember--no fair changing your mind once you are up.
  • Do you have an uncontrollable desire to jump from great heights?
  • If you answered "Yes" to the preceding question, just what arrangement would you make for the disposition of your ship if you should give in to your whim to jump?
  • Aside from their characteristic noises, what are the main differences between an oncoming airplane and an oncoming sea-gull?
  • Does the term "flying blind" mean the same as "flying drunk?"
  • How many drinks do you consider "a couple?"
  • A ship, which is passing you, forces you out of your traffic lane into the path of an oncoming ship, which forces you up into the path of a descending ship, which forces you down in to the path of an ascending ship. What do you do? What difference does it make?
  • Name three popular directions besides "up."
  • On a rough guess, how high is "up?"

Mechanics: Don't forget. Each one of these little instruments has its own special use, and only one of them plays the radio.

  • The Altimer: This tells you how high you are. Don't look!
  • The Pessimeter: Tells you how low you are.
  • Gasoline Gauge: This will tell you when you have run out of gas. Another sign is when pedestrians begin coming up and peering into your cockpit at you, or a man rushes out and asks you to get off his lawn.

Would this have been funny in 1812, 100 years before it was written? I mean, if the thought of human flying machines didn't simply terrify the British sailors blockading American ports. Will it be funny 100 years from now? I get the feeling that my grandchildren will not laugh at a single thing I do. Maybe I should get some puppets. That's the future, you know.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Day late. Dollar short.

Every good idea has been taken. Some genius thought of this before me. I thought of it today.

Has anyone considered putting an A-Team of MERCs to go after Osama Bin Laden and his $50-million bounty? Has anyone considered making that a documentary? I'm not counting Morgan Spurlock.

2008, according to my iTunes

"Walcott" - Vampire Weekend (24 on the Play Count)
"Re-arrange Us" - Mates of State (20 times)
"Send a Little Love Token" - The Duke Spirit (17)
"Buildings and Mountains" - Republic Tigers (13)
"Set Me Free" - The Heavy (12)
"MC Chris is Dead" - MC Chris (12)
"Time to Pretend" - MGMT (11)
"Furr" - Blitzen Trapper (9)
"Senor and the Queen" - The Gaslight Anthem (9)
"Bye Bye Bye" - Plants and Animals (8)
"Sex on Fire" - Kings of Leon (7)
"Resistance Street" - What Made Milwaukee Famous (7)
"Boracay" - The Little Ones (6)
"Wishing Well" - The Airborne Toxic Event (5)
"Grinding Halt" - The Muslims (5)
"Tiger Mountain Pleasant Song" - Fleet Foxes (4)
"Little Bit of Feel Good" - Jamie Lidell (4)

I'll have to take iTunes's unbiased word for these. I can't believe I listened to Walcott that many times. But then looking at, say, The Gaslight Anthem song, some of these I don't even know the words to. And just seeing that Lidell song on there makes me nose hurt like I walked into a freshly bleached school bathroom.

You'll be happy to know, Poetic and Divine, that I listened to "Kind Fate" (by The Wax Standard) four times. Beat out all my Michael Franti.