Five for Fighting

Last weekend at our yard sale I put myself into an uncomfortable position by haggling with a shrewd, non-English speaking woman and her 8-year-old daughter. The item was a PS2 game--two of them actually. The prices were clearly marked, $5 a piece. Yet these two people insisted on paying, get this, THREE DOLLARS for TWO.

My parents never told me that you could haggle at a garage sale. Back when I was growing up, we bought everything from the front lawns of people better off than us. My mom still has the brown snowsuit that kept me warm from ages 2-5. Think about that. The appearance of a two-year-old and a five-year-old in that brown snowsuit is like examining the difference between a lumpy bag of Sugar Babies and a lean stick of Sugar Daddy. My mom is a meek, polite person when she's not alone with me. In public, she won't stir the pot and in yard sales, she will simply pay the sticker price. I honestly didn't know they were negotiable. Think of all the money we could have saved had we not paid original prices on all those Hasbro toys! So when we were pricing our items for this big yard sale, Kristina made it clear that we should price them high because yard sale patrons are bastards who don't see the inherent discount in a $5 PS2 game.

And they weren't even mine! I was defending an absentee seller's old videogames. She pulled out one dollar, then two, and then four quarters LIKE IT WAS ALL SHE HAD. She'd saved her change so she could purchase Gran Turismo 4 and Grand Theft Auto 3 for her poor daughter. I stood firm. "No, that's not enough," I said in English and in firm finger gestures. Of course, she walked away, tearing the games from her daughter's greedy fingers. You don't need a common language to tell someone to fuck off.

Woo, I got such a high standing my ground. Come on, she had more than three dollars. I mean, she's wealthy from years of undercutting weaker yard sale hosts. She's probably furnished her whole townhouse with second-hand Ikea furniture she paid for in nickels and threatening looks. Whadaya know, ladies and gentlemen? I discovered that she DID have more money because she came BACK. She marched straight to me and said "Five dollars for two." And I said "Sold!"

Now that I think about it, I still got really ripped off.

I'll be performing at an open mic for the second time a week from Wednesday. I don't mention this as a way of inviting you (note how I didn't give you the place), but to only publish that I intend to do it. This way, I have the pressure of keeping my promises to you guys. I need you to judge me.

Last movie I watched: "You Can Count on Me" Cute, nice moments. I'm glad that Mark Ruffalo has that kind of range. I still don't like Laura Linney.