Stand Up? Sit Down! Fight, Fight, Fight.

Last night I debuted a slushy, premature set of stand-up jokes at an open-mic in a cafe that is decorated like a 19th-Century general store. After delivering an impromptu riff on the similarities between this place and the computer-generated store at the beginning of MECC's "Oregon Trail," I jumped into my act. (Thank you, comedy-buddy-on-probation Marc for shouting "15 axles! Hire an Indian guide!" by the way.)

I knew I wasn't prepared. I had actually written the whole act during my ten days of solitude, but it wasn't until 9 hours prior to the show that I realized I needed to read it out loud. I hadn't memorized it, hadn't timed it, didn't even know how I was going to hold the microphone in my hand. I was preparing for total comic catastrophe. Half an hour before I left for the show, I drank a Red Bull like a nerve tonic and was still so melancholy that I took a 10-minute nap. And when I got to the venue, I did what any nervous 13-year-old would d0: I got a bottle of Mountain Dew and chugged it. Then the Red Bull started working.

After the Oregon Trail joke, I reached some hyperconscious neverland where silence is actually laughter and breathing is unnecessary. I had a case of caffeine overload, shrinking six minutes of material into three. Now, I didn't use my notes. Hooray for me, I remembered everywhere that I wanted to go. I just forgot all the punchlines. So I made them up on the spot. And transitions? They're for lightweights. One second I'm talking about eating green beans from a can and the next second everyone's mother is a fucking asshole. I remember saying what I thought was a joke, not getting a laugh, and then repeating the joke in case they missed it. I stammered. I looked into the bright lights. I shoveled my act with one scoop and flung it at the audience. The last thing I said was, "OK,IthinkI'mdonehereThank..." cut off by polite applause and the horrible low-frequency rumble of an amateur returning a microphone to its stand.

Today when I prematurely woke up with the sun, I didn't want to stay in bed. I actually wanted to go back and try it again. And do it much better. Maybe even make 'em laugh. I guess that's the best place to be mentally. So next week, let's do it again. Maybe this time I can even keep your mother out of it.

Last movie I watched: "Big Night" Really fun, sweet movie. Great characters. Stanley Tucci should get more respect. Five stars.